vvonderwall:

PLZ.

follow me.

http://lisaphamtastic.tumblr.com/

fueledbyphotos:

i’m not sure how-

One moment you completely act like you’re inlove with me and then the next thing you do? You don’t even want to talk to me.

What the fuck is up with you?

You told me you liked my best friend today.

Why do I tell myself that everything is going to be fine, to be okay? …. When I know it’s not? I question every move I make, and they make me end up regretting them. I told myself, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let my heart fall down into your hands, and then see you crush it right in front of my eyes. I’m struggling to find someone way better then you, but it’s seriously sickening. Do you remember when you said that I was your best friend? Do you remember when we used to talk every day on the phone about completely nothing? I don’t know if you did, but I do. I remember it back then, when you used to talk about other girls. Oh, how I used to long to be one of them so fucking bad. But I got over it, because you turned completely different. Like black to white. And now you’re changing again. You’re turning to somebody that may actually appreciate me. I just don’t know if I can handle another heartache, because somebody else recently tore it into pieces. I wonder what you think when you look at me across the class. I wonder what you think when you smile and your eyes twinkle. I wonder what you think about me. Is it good? Is it bad? I don’t know. All I know is that I need to know soon, because if I don’t I’ll find myself stuck in a rotten hole of misery. And no one likes to feel trapped, right?

When I’m really not, and I think I never will be without you.

I don’t know why I feel this way. I feel as if though the reasons are seeping in my body are because the weird conscious feelings I have for him are because I don’t know him. I don’t know what he’s like, I don’t know how he feels, I don’t know why he’s never talked to me, nor why I haven’t talked to him. I try to blink two times and say that the feelings for him that I have are disappearing like my thoughts, but it’s difficult. I stare at him like he’s an eye-magnet, trying to look away, but can’t. The feelings I want to go away are finally focusing and realizing as if though they are staying like super glue. I shake my head  and want to hide and cry, but the thought of letting him go away from my mind are focusing too, making me realize that I want them there. At the same time, I don’t. It’s as if he’s different from any guy I like, any guy that was there. When we’re just in the same room, even just fifty feet away, I feel as if though I stare at him over and over again. I want him to be jealous, I want him to want to talk to me, like I want to talk to him. I can see that he does may look at me a couple of times a day, when I look at him a whole bunch of times. I want him to see that he should just come over to me and say hi. Saying, ” Lisa, trip ____, ” isn’t exactly what I call enough in my world. That’s probably the first and only time he did and will talk to me, though. I want to say hi myself, but the thought of just being a feet near him makes me want to go scorching red and run away. It feels as if though my head is spinning and heart is pumping when I hear his voice. It’s not like anyones voice, it’s a perfect voice. I would nearly do anything in the world to just be able to have a five minute conversation with him without awkwardness. I wish that I had one more class with him, just maybe being able to hear his amazing voice and look at his amazing face just one more time a day. In terms of pushing myself, I’m nervous. The kind of nervous where you have to look away because you’re afraid that he’s going to come up to you and ask you why you’re staring at him and you know that you’re going to feel your mouth go dry. The thought, just the thought, of seeing him. Him seeing you…

I haven’t been writing, posting, or doing anything from me on tumblr lately, have I? Well, I guess I should start off by saying I have been going on tumblr everyday to read my followers posts, I just never do any for mine. Well, hi again. If you’re reading, you probably are really fantastic to give up a few minutes in your day to read this.

I feel…. like I’m trapped. I feel…. torn in half visibly and no one’s bothering to look at me for one second and help me get out of this mess. I’m so…. alone. And lately I’ve been looking down on myself because a couple of other people look down on me. I think I’m starting to feel like I’m not capable of doing anything other than being myself, but no one likes or excepts that.

“Can’t we just pretend?”

“Pretend what?

“Pretend that you love me more than her.”